I have changed your name to 'asshole' in each and every contact list of mine. And then changed it back. To your name. To the most beautiful name in the world. 

I still remember how I was running my fingers down your cheeks and neck and I am so sorry I am not blind and couldn't remember this sensation better.

Do you remember how I took your face in my hands and said I wanted it to stay in my memory, so I could go back to it at any time. 

I don't remember it anymore. Everything is in a blur. I remember your eyes but I cannot understand what I was reading in them. It's like being a dyslexic, I realized I cannot read and it struck me so hard. You took away my ability to read, let alone sing. 

The other things you took away from me are:

- loving anyone else

- feeling anything to anyone else

- feeling anything at all

You took away my calm and self-confident posture. You took away the sparkle from my eyes. You took away so many parts of me, so I am not even sure it's me in my body anymore. That is why you said we're like the same person. Because you have too much of me now. But who am I now?

Whenever I am laughing I expect to turn and see your smiling face. Because I don't remember how is it: to laugh without you. Whenever I cross a road in a new city I expect you to take me by the hand. Because I don't remember how is it possible to cross a road without you guiding me. Whenever I hug someone I expect to be hugged back as you did it. Because I don't understand how it can be any different.

You robbed me. You took away my ability of spending days without thinking of you, took away my dreams and replaced them with some troubled thoughts and lost expectations. You robbed me of my smile and memory. I cannot remember so many things, I cannot remember how it was before you and every day I spent after you left is also erased from my memory. I'm stuck in time. The best time I've ever had.

And I thank you for it.

But don't worry, one day I will wake up and understand that I'm healed. I will see the scars, ugly and big, all over my heart, mind and body. People will be afraid to look at me. But I will make it. I will learn to walk, smile and sleep without dreams again. I will gather myself again, will fill in the empty spaces with new things, new memories, new grieves. 

I'll be ready to live again and learn not to notice the looks of others. There will be a new, fresh out-of-the-box me. Nothing close to what you remember me to be. And when someone will ask me if I remember you, I will just shrug my shoulders and walk away. Because the answer is obvious.

Oh, how I hate you. How I hate you. If you only knew the power I feel inside of me when I think of how much I hate you! I cannot sleep. I cannot eat. All I do is I accumulate the hatred inside of me. The pure primal feeling that moved civilizations and the best intentions throughout the history. Every time I breathe in I mourn my decision to meet you, every time I breathe out I hate myself for lying to myself, my beloved self. I should love myself more than anything else, more than anyone else, because, you know, I am not a very good christian. I am not a very good person either. Because good people don't hate so much. They don't let this terrible feeling fill them up from their toes to the top of their heads. 

Oh, how I hate lying to myself. And how I enjoyed cheating myself. In fact, there are two parts of me constantly fighting, hating, loving. And every time one of the parts tries to take over, I calm it down and say that it's gonna be alright. You won't be able to fight forever. You won't be able to hate forever. You won't be able... 

You will. You will be able. 

I pet it on the back. And speak to it in whisper. As gentle as I can. And I can be very gentle, you know. 

And it surrenders. And both parts come into balance and let me breathe again. Breathe in - mourn, breathe out - lie. Only in between I can live, only a tiny little moment when I am not breathing, when I am basically dead, I can live. And I am trying to take as much out of it as I can, because, you know, everyone needs a rest. 

 And when I am refreshed enough, when I can feel that heavy thing pressing my chest, squishing my lungs and breaking my ribs, when I can feel again, I go back to hating you. Every moment I die, every moment I live. 

 But it doesn't last forever, of course. Then the other part of me comes and looks into my eyes. With mercy, with compassion, with support. And I answer it with a look back and I see my true beloved self in its eyes, in its deep eyes that don't accept any compromise. I can't look away and I succumb to it, I succumb to it's power, because, after all, everything should be in balance. This part nods with a smile and I know: it's time. It embraces me and I understand how much more powerful I am with this feeling, how it raises me above the ground, other people and myself. I am ready to embrace the world and share this abundance of love that gathered inside of me during breathing. 

Breath in - hate, breathe out - love. Because balance is easy.

A ton etoile.

I feel as my soul was torn apart in many pieces and they were thrown away in different places of the world. Soaked in the soil of different countries, charmed with the sounds of different languages and it doesn't matter how much I try I won't be able to pull all our world together to make my soul  whole again.

I am writing briefly

I like concise thoughts

and if your eyes are beautiful, I will call them beautiful

and if your heart is deaf, I will call it cruel

and if you look like stars, I will call you gorgeous

and if there is an oasis in your soul, I will call it hope

and if you hurt me, I will call it pain

I don't like beating around the bushes. I like to put the things as they are. And if I could talk in numbers then I would express myself in precise equations without unknowns

I like to call the things as they are

and if your hands are gentle, I will call you an artist

and if your look is joyful, I will call you blessed

and if you turn away from me, I will call you a fool

and if you conquer new worlds, I will call you brave

and if you conquer me, I will call myself yours

and if you are far away,

I will close my eyes and think,

how sky can be far away from me if it's around me? If I feel the wind and the resistance of air? How earth can be lifeless if it holds me on its shoulders? And how god can be met only after life if he gave you to me now? And how can I not hear your voice if it is heard from every open window and abrupt phrases? And how can I not touch you if every time I close my eyes I feel you near?

but I always express myself briefly

that is why if you are far away, I will call it a test.

You are woven out of white nights and distant mists.

You are winter sea and its angry waves bringing rain and unnecessary thoughts.

You are forest lake and first sun lights reflected in it.

You are forgotten music, patchwork quilt of stranger's melodies.

You are the sound of rain drops, entangling in foliage and reminding your voice.

You are journey in outlandish places.

You are collection of the most precious dreams that you forget when you wake up.

You are harmony and my personal utopia. 

You are dimpled smile.

You are frown eyebrows. 

You are aristocratic fingers.

You are confusing-me games.

You are net of charmed promises.

You are loneliness of a lost child.

You are craftsman of words.

You are kiss dissolving in air.

You are another end of the world.

You are illusionist never revealing his secrets.

You are thief stealing for fun.

You are my cage and my inspiration.

You are my pain, sweet and unbearably torturous.

You are Narcissus and you are forgetting about it.

You are passionate sublimation.

You are everything.

You are not mine.

Without you I don't have anything at all.

There is no balance.

Because I have time. I have time for you. I have time to love you, I have time to write to you, think about  you, talk about you with my friends, forget about you and think about you over and over again.

I have time to want to think about you and time to not want it. Time to talk with you in my mind and time to imagine how we will stay silent together.

I have time to meet you, time to plan our trip and time to choose a dress that you would like. Time to discuss it with you also is here, I have it.

I have time for everything. Time to laugh with you, to comfort you, miss you, think if you miss me, travel with you, be with you. And to be with you I have all the time in the world.

And you?