Oh, how I hate you. How I hate you. If you only knew the power I feel inside of me when I think of how much I hate you! I cannot sleep. I cannot eat. All I do is I accumulate the hatred inside of me. The pure primal feeling that moved civilizations and the best intentions throughout the history. Every time I breathe in I mourn my decision to meet you, every time I breathe out I hate myself for lying to myself, my beloved self. I should love myself more than anything else, more than anyone else, because, you know, I am not a very good christian. I am not a very good person either. Because good people don't hate so much. They don't let this terrible feeling fill them up from their toes to the top of their heads. 

Oh, how I hate lying to myself. And how I enjoyed cheating myself. In fact, there are two parts of me constantly fighting, hating, loving. And every time one of the parts tries to take over, I calm it down and say that it's gonna be alright. You won't be able to fight forever. You won't be able to hate forever. You won't be able... 

You will. You will be able. 

I pet it on the back. And speak to it in whisper. As gentle as I can. And I can be very gentle, you know. 

And it surrenders. And both parts come into balance and let me breathe again. Breathe in - mourn, breathe out - lie. Only in between I can live, only a tiny little moment when I am not breathing, when I am basically dead, I can live. And I am trying to take as much out of it as I can, because, you know, everyone needs a rest. 

 And when I am refreshed enough, when I can feel that heavy thing pressing my chest, squishing my lungs and breaking my ribs, when I can feel again, I go back to hating you. Every moment I die, every moment I live. 

 But it doesn't last forever, of course. Then the other part of me comes and looks into my eyes. With mercy, with compassion, with support. And I answer it with a look back and I see my true beloved self in its eyes, in its deep eyes that don't accept any compromise. I can't look away and I succumb to it, I succumb to it's power, because, after all, everything should be in balance. This part nods with a smile and I know: it's time. It embraces me and I understand how much more powerful I am with this feeling, how it raises me above the ground, other people and myself. I am ready to embrace the world and share this abundance of love that gathered inside of me during breathing. 

Breath in - hate, breathe out - love. Because balance is easy.