I have changed your name to 'asshole' in each and every contact list of mine. And then changed it back. To your name. To the most beautiful name in the world. 

I still remember how I was running my fingers down your cheeks and neck and I am so sorry I am not blind and couldn't remember this sensation better.

Do you remember how I took your face in my hands and said I wanted it to stay in my memory, so I could go back to it at any time. 

I don't remember it anymore. Everything is in a blur. I remember your eyes but I cannot understand what I was reading in them. It's like being a dyslexic, I realized I cannot read and it struck me so hard. You took away my ability to read, let alone sing. 

The other things you took away from me are:

- loving anyone else

- feeling anything to anyone else

- feeling anything at all

You took away my calm and self-confident posture. You took away the sparkle from my eyes. You took away so many parts of me, so I am not even sure it's me in my body anymore. That is why you said we're like the same person. Because you have too much of me now. But who am I now?

Whenever I am laughing I expect to turn and see your smiling face. Because I don't remember how is it: to laugh without you. Whenever I cross a road in a new city I expect you to take me by the hand. Because I don't remember how is it possible to cross a road without you guiding me. Whenever I hug someone I expect to be hugged back as you did it. Because I don't understand how it can be any different.

You robbed me. You took away my ability of spending days without thinking of you, took away my dreams and replaced them with some troubled thoughts and lost expectations. You robbed me of my smile and memory. I cannot remember so many things, I cannot remember how it was before you and every day I spent after you left is also erased from my memory. I'm stuck in time. The best time I've ever had.

And I thank you for it.

But don't worry, one day I will wake up and understand that I'm healed. I will see the scars, ugly and big, all over my heart, mind and body. People will be afraid to look at me. But I will make it. I will learn to walk, smile and sleep without dreams again. I will gather myself again, will fill in the empty spaces with new things, new memories, new grieves. 

I'll be ready to live again and learn not to notice the looks of others. There will be a new, fresh out-of-the-box me. Nothing close to what you remember me to be. And when someone will ask me if I remember you, I will just shrug my shoulders and walk away. Because the answer is obvious.

Oh, how I hate you. How I hate you. If you only knew the power I feel inside of me when I think of how much I hate you! I cannot sleep. I cannot eat. All I do is I accumulate the hatred inside of me. The pure primal feeling that moved civilizations and the best intentions throughout the history. Every time I breathe in I mourn my decision to meet you, every time I breathe out I hate myself for lying to myself, my beloved self. I should love myself more than anything else, more than anyone else, because, you know, I am not a very good christian. I am not a very good person either. Because good people don't hate so much. They don't let this terrible feeling fill them up from their toes to the top of their heads. 

Oh, how I hate lying to myself. And how I enjoyed cheating myself. In fact, there are two parts of me constantly fighting, hating, loving. And every time one of the parts tries to take over, I calm it down and say that it's gonna be alright. You won't be able to fight forever. You won't be able to hate forever. You won't be able... 

You will. You will be able. 

I pet it on the back. And speak to it in whisper. As gentle as I can. And I can be very gentle, you know. 

And it surrenders. And both parts come into balance and let me breathe again. Breathe in - mourn, breathe out - lie. Only in between I can live, only a tiny little moment when I am not breathing, when I am basically dead, I can live. And I am trying to take as much out of it as I can, because, you know, everyone needs a rest. 

 And when I am refreshed enough, when I can feel that heavy thing pressing my chest, squishing my lungs and breaking my ribs, when I can feel again, I go back to hating you. Every moment I die, every moment I live. 

 But it doesn't last forever, of course. Then the other part of me comes and looks into my eyes. With mercy, with compassion, with support. And I answer it with a look back and I see my true beloved self in its eyes, in its deep eyes that don't accept any compromise. I can't look away and I succumb to it, I succumb to it's power, because, after all, everything should be in balance. This part nods with a smile and I know: it's time. It embraces me and I understand how much more powerful I am with this feeling, how it raises me above the ground, other people and myself. I am ready to embrace the world and share this abundance of love that gathered inside of me during breathing. 

Breath in - hate, breathe out - love. Because balance is easy.