A ton etoile.

I feel as my soul was torn apart in many pieces and they were thrown away in different places of the world. Soaked in the soil of different countries, charmed with the sounds of different languages and it doesn't matter how much I try I won't be able to pull all our world together to make my soul  whole again.

I am writing briefly

I like concise thoughts

and if your eyes are beautiful, I will call them beautiful

and if your heart is deaf, I will call it cruel

and if you look like stars, I will call you gorgeous

and if there is an oasis in your soul, I will call it hope

and if you hurt me, I will call it pain

I don't like beating around the bushes. I like to put the things as they are. And if I could talk in numbers then I would express myself in precise equations without unknowns

I like to call the things as they are

and if your hands are gentle, I will call you an artist

and if your look is joyful, I will call you blessed

and if you turn away from me, I will call you a fool

and if you conquer new worlds, I will call you brave

and if you conquer me, I will call myself yours

and if you are far away,

I will close my eyes and think,

how sky can be far away from me if it's around me? If I feel the wind and the resistance of air? How earth can be lifeless if it holds me on its shoulders? And how god can be met only after life if he gave you to me now? And how can I not hear your voice if it is heard from every open window and abrupt phrases? And how can I not touch you if every time I close my eyes I feel you near?

but I always express myself briefly

that is why if you are far away, I will call it a test.

You are woven out of white nights and distant mists.

You are winter sea and its angry waves bringing rain and unnecessary thoughts.

You are forest lake and first sun lights reflected in it.

You are forgotten music, patchwork quilt of stranger's melodies.

You are the sound of rain drops, entangling in foliage and reminding your voice.

You are journey in outlandish places.

You are collection of the most precious dreams that you forget when you wake up.

You are harmony and my personal utopia. 

You are dimpled smile.

You are frown eyebrows. 

You are aristocratic fingers.

You are confusing-me games.

You are net of charmed promises.

You are loneliness of a lost child.

You are craftsman of words.

You are kiss dissolving in air.

You are another end of the world.

You are illusionist never revealing his secrets.

You are thief stealing for fun.

You are my cage and my inspiration.

You are my pain, sweet and unbearably torturous.

You are Narcissus and you are forgetting about it.

You are passionate sublimation.

You are everything.

You are not mine.

Without you I don't have anything at all.

There is no balance.

Because I have time. I have time for you. I have time to love you, I have time to write to you, think about  you, talk about you with my friends, forget about you and think about you over and over again.

I have time to want to think about you and time to not want it. Time to talk with you in my mind and time to imagine how we will stay silent together.

I have time to meet you, time to plan our trip and time to choose a dress that you would like. Time to discuss it with you also is here, I have it.

I have time for everything. Time to laugh with you, to comfort you, miss you, think if you miss me, travel with you, be with you. And to be with you I have all the time in the world.

And you?

Body, you have too much soul inside.

Reason, you have too much heart.

Ok. I bought chocolate, got a couple of drinks and crawled under my blanket.
Men are all the same. Australians, British, Italians... all the same. They don't know what they want and then they blame you for that. If you're lucky.
If you're not, they just disappear. Or push on you with some weird requests and then disappear.

I will better go and watch The Big Bang Theory. There men are suffering from the lack of women's attention and not take women's presence within 2 meters for granted.

Fair enough.

What I understood is that you can feel weak only until the moment someone else starts to feel weak as well. Especially if one is close to you.

At this very second you accumulate all the energy you have and you try to support one and cheer him/her up. Especiallyx2 if you both are sad about the same thing.

And suddenly you feel power to become a savior for someone even though your own savior didn't manage to show up.

It's all about changing the roles.

It's so strange. One day someone stops talking to you with no reason and the other you wish good luck to a semi-celebrity and this very celebrity replies to you with mobile phone number and asking if you use Whatsapp. Then you talk on Whatapp, then you call to hear the voice and you talk a bit and then this person stops talking to you.

It is fckn crazy. I hate things happening without any evident reasons.

Special Thing.

for B. (whom I never really knew)

It was so long ago that I even don't remember when. It feels like I was born together with you. Someone is born with uglyness, someone with talent and I was born with you.

And nothing existed before and nothing will exist after. Everything is unreal, everything is hollow, everything is mortal. Only the wild rivers in my veins fill everything around me with life, they seethe and rattle and they are perfectly alive. They fill me with electricity and mad energy. Every second several suns explode inside of me and I can explode a thousand more, can lay all the nebulas in my room, scatter comets across my walls. But cannot reach you.

I was born with you and you were taken away from me. Between us they left several cities and Mariana trenches that were so deep that one could see others' dreams. We have our moons and our winters, we touch our cheeks and the cheeks of our lovers. We open our windows that are millions of breathes away from each other and we plunge in our winds, morning plumps and evening's lullabies.

But we are not alone. I look at the world with my eyes wide open. I see the movements of air, the soft paces of twilight and the warmth of night. I see how the lights go out in your house, how kettle boils and it's like there is a mote in my eye keeping me away from seeing the most important detail – you.

Sometimes I wake up gulping the darkness around and breathe my reveries out. They are bitter and sharp, they are my favourite ones – they bring me you. And there are no mytical distances between us and you don't have to go through any quests, I am impossibly near and I am waiting for you. And then I close my eyes and we're wallowing in icy rivers and lakes. My arms are your arms, my lips are your lips. And I feel that to be a whole means to be great.

Oh, how powerful we are. We can drink the oceans and change the flow of time, we can make fireworks out of all star orbits and supernovas.

With every breathe out I weaken. My pulse is aligning, avalanches are coming down the mountains, tsunami is getting back to the water abyss.

I was born with you but began to live without. I was falling down from thin branches of cherry trees, feeding doves, catching colds; I was growing up. I learnt how to do it myself, slowly, as if I was learning how to walk again. But I got over it. And you weren't leaving me even for a second; you were with me when I finished school and when I kissed for the first time. When atomic bombs were exploding and the world wars ending, when Alexander breathed in for the first time and my granddad breathed out for the last time.

Sitting on top of the world, I'm looking at the lights of capital cities. The squint at me and hide you one by one.

You made it all on your own. I wasn't near when you let your kite fly for the first time and I was far away when you saw how sky replied with a thunder. You were completely alone when rain drops were running down your eyelashes and when you were learning your first words in an unknown language. Your body was bending in the hot dances of Brazil, you soul was trembling from the burning drinks of India, you head was spinning from the bright holidays of Tokio.

We're standing on the opposite sides of the great Chinese Wall. It's stretching out through days and weeks, years and decades. It is like a viscious syrup that we got into and it's carrying us away, dragging us through times and ages. I am running along it, knocking my breath out, my lips are chapped and the Wall is still not ending. I find myself inside a high tower, my heart beating like dozens of drums, life is pulsating in my veins so hard that they burst out and I am tearing down the walls around me. I see the great Barrier reef, Icelandic fyords, narrow featureless streets, low african huts. I see every living one and every one ever lived. I see everything that was destroyed and created. I see black holes and charmed nebulas.

How enormous our world is, how unique we are. I am you, I am the world.

My world is you.

You're looking at your reflection in the World Ocean's expanses and you see me. Autumn entangled in my hair, sun sand gilded my skin, timeless shamans settled wild fire into my eyes.

You breathe in and plunge into water.

I breathe out and wait for you to emerge at my shore. 

Then and Now.

Back in the times when I was in school, several of my classmates (of course they were girls) were watching some TV series about a group of criminals. Criminals were the main characters which automatically made them look like good guys in the eyes of the naive audience. No so long after that those girls started to call themselves by the names of these characters. And I was like WTF you're doing, isn't it silly and don't you have anything better to do?

Many years passed. 

And here I am. My friends call me Sherlock and I am in process of creating Loki cosplay.

Writing two posts a day is mauvais ton, I know.

But speaking of suspicious connections. Work on Fridays is generally unbearable, especially when it's nice outside and you could have a million other plans instead of staying in the office. Thus in order to make the day better I decided to join a friend of mine. She invited me to a comedy show. And even skeptical me admitted that the show was pretty good.
Plans for tomorrow - visit some old local monasteries, because that was the idea my friends came up with and I didn't decline it.
I also don't see any connection between comedy shows and monasteries. But there might be one.

I love the smell of the wet asphalt generously poured with the rain. Who doesn't? But there was no rain in this somewhat-of-paradise city.. No rain and no sleep. Yeah, I also don't see any connection, but the fact is that I don't have both, so there might be something. It's always like that when you need to wake up early in the morning hoping for a sunny day.

It is going to be a terrific weekend but instead of sleeping and gathering power to have fun here I am drawing some weird things.

I will tell you about a guy from a beautiful country with nice beaches and hot evenings.  He was a true child of his homeland - hot, furious and with a contagious smile. You’re familiar with this kind, right? Sometimes you can meet such guys even coming from distant north places, and they most likely have an anomaly in their behaviour but … we’re getting far from the main theme.

The guy was a hysterical romantic older than me. Which I assumed was a good thing (age, not being hysterical) since there would be at least the slightest chance of getting a reasonable man.. Oh, how I was mistaken! He only had a fine disguise of a grown up man and that was what misled me! ( Brace yourselves, fellow women and don't let yourselves be entangled in such intrigues. Men.. don't relax you may have an exact though opposite thing! )

OK, to make a long story short. If you want to have an online conversation with a person you’re not sure his psychological state about, then change your mind. Right now. And run.. preferably very far away from your PC/laptop/tablet and the faster the better. Because you will never know which word exactly hurt him and how deep. And believe me you don’t want to think about it, because it will drive you mad and you will start putting smileys after almost ;) every :) word  :P

I didn’t manage to run away in time and now I will think twice before not to put here any smiley in order to make this sound serious.

J

Twenty-four hours before the most important moment in your life you’re full of anticipation. You feel impossibly alive, you know that soon you will turn around the corner but you don’t know what you will see there.

Everything is possible within these 24 hours. Everything is real.

You feel electricity running through your body. There are flowers blossoming on your fingertips. Your body is turning into curving Neil. You have so much power! You are afraid of your size and you easily step over Elbrus and Everest catching their snowy peaks. The sky becomes too tight for you and the skyscrapers scratch your sides.

You can do whatever you want. You are whatever you want.

You are the grain of sand getting in one’s sandals, you are the embrace of mother, lulling our planet. You are Quetzalcoatl proudly accepting the next sacrifice and you are the sacrifice whose eyes are ready to soak all the fear of the world. You are the fear. The anticipation is going hand in hand with you. You are the desire.

Everything you can imagine is real. In these twenty-four hours.

You are Atilla the Hun, ravaging villages, carrying pain, carrying death. You are a jester in a colourful costume. Someone is seeing you as a prophet, someone is throwing rocks in your back. Noone believes that very soon the moment they will never have will happen. They are weak, they are passive. They are afraid to fall into gaping maw of sky and to return back as gods. They are afraid of the power that will be remaining in your hands for the next 1440 minutes. Don’t pay any attention to them.  They are the sand under your feet, they are the dust on your clothes. They are parasites sticking on your trees.

You are a child, lost in a crowd, you are a teen run away from home. You are standing at crossroads and you can make a decision that will change the world. You will become a military frigate, leading the entire fleet into battle, or you will become a plague, making people kneel down?

You anticipate. You can go ahead and you can give up. You can break all the stars and weave a new universe from morning dew.

And let the countdown begin!

Time is no longer static. Lights, events, people are flickering around you. They will all remain faceless and powerless. But you.. Oh, you can’t stand still. Run against the flow of time, make it fight back, go back, stretch this day for eternity. Because you know, you may see nothing around the corner.

Your life is passing before your eyes.. black and white, in sepia, in colour, in negative. You remember every moment and you can plunge in any. But you just stand and watch how you approached this moment. You see all the crossroads and all your choices.

There is an eerie hum inside of you, your feelings are exacerbated to the limit. All the energy of our universe is ready to break away from you. There are only few seconds left.

You are a civilization, which reached its maximum development and disappeared from the face of the Earth. You are an exploded star. You are an erupted volcano.

You see what was around the corner. Every atom around you is sucking your strength away and you weaken. Joy and sadness overwhelm you, pulling you in different directions until you fall to the ground, which embrace you right away and you become one whole. The anticipation is spreading around you to the forgotten songs of sirens. Electricity is going away from you leaving the ashes.

In few endless seconds a sprout starts to push through the ashes. You watch the world again. You feel purified, empty and ready to absorb fresh juices of victories and defeats.

You have everything ahead of you again.