Special Thing.

for B. (whom I never really knew)

It was so long ago that I even don't remember when. It feels like I was born together with you. Someone is born with uglyness, someone with talent and I was born with you.

And nothing existed before and nothing will exist after. Everything is unreal, everything is hollow, everything is mortal. Only the wild rivers in my veins fill everything around me with life, they seethe and rattle and they are perfectly alive. They fill me with electricity and mad energy. Every second several suns explode inside of me and I can explode a thousand more, can lay all the nebulas in my room, scatter comets across my walls. But cannot reach you.

I was born with you and you were taken away from me. Between us they left several cities and Mariana trenches that were so deep that one could see others' dreams. We have our moons and our winters, we touch our cheeks and the cheeks of our lovers. We open our windows that are millions of breathes away from each other and we plunge in our winds, morning plumps and evening's lullabies.

But we are not alone. I look at the world with my eyes wide open. I see the movements of air, the soft paces of twilight and the warmth of night. I see how the lights go out in your house, how kettle boils and it's like there is a mote in my eye keeping me away from seeing the most important detail – you.

Sometimes I wake up gulping the darkness around and breathe my reveries out. They are bitter and sharp, they are my favourite ones – they bring me you. And there are no mytical distances between us and you don't have to go through any quests, I am impossibly near and I am waiting for you. And then I close my eyes and we're wallowing in icy rivers and lakes. My arms are your arms, my lips are your lips. And I feel that to be a whole means to be great.

Oh, how powerful we are. We can drink the oceans and change the flow of time, we can make fireworks out of all star orbits and supernovas.

With every breathe out I weaken. My pulse is aligning, avalanches are coming down the mountains, tsunami is getting back to the water abyss.

I was born with you but began to live without. I was falling down from thin branches of cherry trees, feeding doves, catching colds; I was growing up. I learnt how to do it myself, slowly, as if I was learning how to walk again. But I got over it. And you weren't leaving me even for a second; you were with me when I finished school and when I kissed for the first time. When atomic bombs were exploding and the world wars ending, when Alexander breathed in for the first time and my granddad breathed out for the last time.

Sitting on top of the world, I'm looking at the lights of capital cities. The squint at me and hide you one by one.

You made it all on your own. I wasn't near when you let your kite fly for the first time and I was far away when you saw how sky replied with a thunder. You were completely alone when rain drops were running down your eyelashes and when you were learning your first words in an unknown language. Your body was bending in the hot dances of Brazil, you soul was trembling from the burning drinks of India, you head was spinning from the bright holidays of Tokio.

We're standing on the opposite sides of the great Chinese Wall. It's stretching out through days and weeks, years and decades. It is like a viscious syrup that we got into and it's carrying us away, dragging us through times and ages. I am running along it, knocking my breath out, my lips are chapped and the Wall is still not ending. I find myself inside a high tower, my heart beating like dozens of drums, life is pulsating in my veins so hard that they burst out and I am tearing down the walls around me. I see the great Barrier reef, Icelandic fyords, narrow featureless streets, low african huts. I see every living one and every one ever lived. I see everything that was destroyed and created. I see black holes and charmed nebulas.

How enormous our world is, how unique we are. I am you, I am the world.

My world is you.

You're looking at your reflection in the World Ocean's expanses and you see me. Autumn entangled in my hair, sun sand gilded my skin, timeless shamans settled wild fire into my eyes.

You breathe in and plunge into water.

I breathe out and wait for you to emerge at my shore.